Cyborg Dance Projekt: Workin' the Workshops!

I've been looking forward to this weekend since I heard about it.  It was World In Motion's New Year's Gala with workshops and show.  It's really the first time I've performed for a bellydance-specific audience since about 2009 at CONvergence back home in Minnesota. The weekend included four different workshop options (3 on Saturday, 1 on Sunday), each workshop lasting for 2 hours a peace.  I knew that my spine was only going to tolerate one per day if I was lucky...since I was performing with my troupe Saturday night, I had to be really really careful with my spine if I wanted to be up on stage.

Pre-performance selfie- false lashes!

The Saturday workshop options were an ATS® combinations class with Nandana, a tribaret class with Emily Beaman, an ATS® with a Veil class with Sadiya from MN.  I was torn between the two ATS® classes, but ended up taking the first one as it gave me enough time between the workshop and the performance so I could rest up before the show in case my spine misbehaved.

Sunday had one option, a tribal fusion master class with Sara Beaman.  That was a no-brainer as I've taken a few classes with Sara, and she has been one of the people cheering this Projekt on (even offering to help me figure out bellydance biomechanics post-surgery, even though I didn't take her up on the offer).

The workshop with Nandana went well, no thanks to some charming North Carolina winter weather including a huge thunder storm.  She taught us a slow move with a three variations (the strongarm), a fast duet move that uses a base move that doesn't bother my spine when I don't overdo it (Arabic do-si-do), then a combination series that demonstrated how to string movements that help make the dance style look almost choreographed (Egyptian to double bump to single bump turn, to single bump half turn). During the Arabic do-si-do, I paired up with a troupe mate, but we ended up picking up the movement so quickly that we split up to help other dancers....which helped me realize that pursuing ATS® teacher training if I can financially swing it this summer is a good idea.

After the workshop I spent the afternoon hanging out at my partner's parents' house relaxing and trying to stay reclined until I needed to get my makeup on, hair done, and strapped into my costuming.  I was a little nervous as my partner had never seen me perform and it was his first bellydance show.  On top of that, I was a little wound up because I was relying on a troupe mate to bring hair flowers as I made a last minute costuming decision but didn't have hair decor that went with my black, red, orange, & white color scheme (see photo above for the hair as it all worked out!).

The show went really well.  I danced with four troupe mates to a slow but short piece that garnered a lot of compliments.  Thankfully my balance kept me upright despite my usual stubborn habit of leading a move that involves briefly being on the balls of my feet (camel walk....I'll usually "cheat" the move and not go on releve if I'm not leading, but since I'm so short I worry that dancers following me will have trouble catching the cue otherwise).  As usual, I overdid it....but I really don't regret it because of all the fun I had dancing....plus I got to see a lot of really fantastic dance of a variety of styles.  My partner enjoyed himself as well...so bonus!  I hope he realizes that this means he has to come to more of my shows!

Post-workshop with Sara Beaman

This morning was a bit rough going.  I slept very poorly because of pain, so I was a bit worried about how the workshop was going to go....but since Sara is somewhat familiar with my spine-related impairment (we're Facebook friends), I figured I could get away with doing whatever I needed to do to have a productive experience. That really made my experience better.  I brought my crutch into the studio and ended up using it quite a bit to lean on for locking drills & liquid backwalks.  I sat on the floor for the breakdown of sidewinders.  I leaned against the wall to drill some arm movements.  Long story short, I did the best I could with what my spine was offering and I had a fun and productive time.  Even better...I have some movement ideas for what I want to do when I settle on music for the Cyborg Dance Projekt solo performance and I am learning how I need to dance with my crutch to make it work.

All in all a productive weekend, even if I am still grumbling about missing the veil workshop.  I'm going to sweet talk my troupe & dance collective sisters to pass along their knowledge once I get the right kind of veil for it!

Photo descriptions: 
Top photo:  the background is a white walled room with a dark brown door behind my head.  I'm wearing heavy stage makeup with red, white, and black faux flowers on my head and my hair pulled up. On my upper body I'm wearing a black choli with a red decorated bra along with a pewter coin necklace.
Bottom photo: taken in a dance studio with only sunlight lighting the room with the photo showing us from the hips up. I stand arm in arm with Sara Beaman, who is a bit taller than me with short brown hair & a warm smile.  We are both wearing dance practice clothes and my crutch is barely visible in the photo.

Cyborg Dance Projekt: Whiskey Tango....

Because of a combination of the holidays plus my wedding, I haven't danced much in the past month.  Sure I've done some really low-key drilling (less than ten minutes at a shot), but nothing that really keeps my muscles where they need to be.

Snipped snapshot

This became really clear when I went to an ATS class at a new studio in a nearby town.  For some reason, I decided that I didn't want to use my crutch to walk from my car to the studio (I also didn't know that there was a flight of stairs).  That probably didn't help my spine at all in hindsight, but alas, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

Photo description: A snipped snapshot of the author with auburn hair pulled back, rimless glasses, red cheeks, black sleeved shrug, black tank top, and a burgundy skirt with hands on hips.

I didn't think I was doing too badly today (hence no crutch) until I started to do a taxim (the first move in this video).  Then a slow bodywave (about six minutes in on this video).  Stabbing pain with a stuck feeling on both of them.  I wouldn't say that my spine eased up at all during the class, but I pushed through by trying to keep the movement small and cheating where necessary.

After the class, a couple dancers I know from a workshop earlier this fall came up to me and assumed I was doing So Much Better because I wasn't using a crutch. Being honest to a fault, I told them that I'm not doing better than when they saw me last, but that I just choose to prioritize dancing above everything else and that I use the crutch the rest of the time.  I was trying to be nice about it because their comments were meant to be nice....but it hurts sometimes.  I'm not one of the lucky ones that Gets Better.  I admit that I am better than I was a year ago (surgery was 1/16/13), but I'm pretty much stuck at my 4-5 month post-op point.

I'm just doing the best I can with what I have....and that's all I can do.

Cyborg Dance Projekt: Right Left Right

Dance costume selfie with a troupemate's bra

Photo description: Overhead yellowish lighting with yellow walls and a brown doorframe in the background.  In the foreground is a fat pale woman with red hair pulled back, green plastic glasses, wearing a teal v-neck choli and a red velvet bellydance bra with cowrie shells around the bustline.  The combination of a decorated bra over a choli is typical of costuming in American Tribal Style® bellydance.

I'm going to stop numbering the Projekt weeks since I've pretty much cleared the three month mark (especially because my school/work load has been keeping me way too busy to blog consistently).  Honestly, I never thought I would get this far, or have it go this well.  I do have to admit that even though it's going well, it could be argued that 1) dancing is still causing nerve problems so I shouldn't be doing this, and 2) dancing wipes me out in ways that force me to continue using various adaptive aids (I don't generally dance with the crutch, but I use it all of the time outside the house unless I'm using my wheelchair...I still can't walk more than a block without issues).  Call it stubbornness, but I'm going to keep dancing as much as I can!


That stubbornness has paid off.  A couple Sundays ago as I went to the studio to do my work-study (that's how I can afford to dance with my medical bills), I was invited to join Helix, the studio's ATS® student troupe.  I was so happy to be invited for a bunch of reasons.  The first was that I really wanted the sense of community and siblinghood that being in a troupe can give.  As an introvert, I sometimes have internal freakouts about whether or not people actually like my presence or if I'm being intrusive when I try to be social.  The second was that since I've been dancing for about ten years (granted, not as much when my spine got really bad...but dance was still in my heart and soul) and had been paid and asked to perform for shows, I felt uncomfortable with being in a student troupe for cabaret or fusion bellydance....but with the unique group improv format of ATS® and my relative inexperience in the style (one summer in San Francisco with FatChanceBellyDance plus another trip plus dabbling) made the "student" status a perfectly fine fit.

Hm, I realize that might sound bad or like I'm creating some sort of hierarchy of shimmies or something.  It's just that I've taught and been paid to dance, and the teachers & more experienced dancers at the studio that dance with the student troupes are generally considered "guest artists."  My old troupe treated me really poorly because of my semi-pro dance experience, so I feel like I have to try to assert my worth as someone that's been doing this and doing it well for a decade (introvert problems perhaps?).  I would love to dance whenever and wherever I can, with whomever wants to dance with me because in the end, I love dancing WITH people versus being a soloist.

Anyhow, paranoid introvert rambling aside, my first performance is tomorrow!  I do have to work to get a few pieces of costuming together.  This style usually involves pantaloons, a big poufy skirt (10-25 yard bottom hem) over that, belts or scarves over that for the lower body, with a choli as a base on the upper body with a decorated bra over the choli (see self-photo of the choli with a decorated bra), plus makeup and a "hair garden" with fake flowers.  I already had a couple pairs of pantaloons, a couple cholis, and skirts.  I'm borrowing a decorated bra from a troupemate as I don't have time to decorate my own right now.  I need to find my pretty shawls that are hiding in the house along with the jewelry and hair flowers that I've collected over the years.

I'm excited but a little nervous.  My balance isn't getting much better, so I'm a little worried about falling on stage...but I think my troupemates understand my limitations and are just happy that we get to dance together. *grin*  If anyone takes photos, I'll post them for you all to see!

Cyborg Dance Projekt: Un/lucky 13

Photo description: extreme close-up of pale skin with a tattoo of a green shamrock and the number 13 underneath. The skin is shiny from new tattoo ointment.

Although I'm not particularly superstitious, thirteen is my lucky number.  I love Friday the 13th as some really wonderful things have happened to me on that day.  So week 13 is getting its own CDP post.

Ever since the workshop with Issam Houshan, I've been practicing my doumbek almost daily, even if I can only spare 10-15 minutes to do it (enough time to keep the muscle memory of where my hands need to be for doum, tek, and ka....not really enough to get significantly better at it, but my time is limited with work, class, physical therapy, etc).  It's also been a chance to really learn various rhythms and their names so I know the difference between a baladi, malfouf, saiidi, ayub, and others.

Dance-wise, it's been rough.  I'm doing a round of aquatic physical therapy at the suggestion of my pain management doctor (see my post on FFF entitled "Doctors don't say that...unless you're fat" for more information on why I consented).  My dance schedule was Sunday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evenings with PT on Monday and Wednesday mornings.  It's also mashed up with a higher dose of nortriptyline (a medication that helps with nerve pain) and getting back on my growth hormone replacement...in all honesty, it could be a horrific mashup of everything at once causing a rough week.  In short, my pain level has been pretty hellacious, combined with leg weakness, balance problems, and proprioception issues.

I've been making it to a class every other Sunday (either intermediate cab or ATS level 3), every Tuesday ATS level 2, and either intermediate drills/layering or intermediate tribaret, but I use every spare spoon I have in my arsenal to get through just one class.  I sometimes dance with my TENS unit on...which isn't ideal because sweat + electrodes = bad zappy. I'm not sure where my ability to do 2-3 classes back-to-back went (from the beginning of the Projekt), but I feel like I found my dance shot clock.  I feel like my body is trying to tell me that dancing is not something I will be able to keep up with long term....but I don't know what "long term" really means.

With this in mind, I'm going to dance my heart out in a blaze of glory.  I'm going to try to perform as often as I can, to take classes with as many instructors as I can, and live it up.  I'm going to try to pinch pennies and fund raise to go to the Fat Chance Belly Dance American Tribal Style General Skills workshop in St. Louis, Missouri in August 2014. If you want to help me get there, I have a Paypal donation button at the bottom of this post and am considering a GoFundMe project to make it happen.

I'm going to keep up with all my pain management modalities (ice, TENS, medication, physical therapy) and try to keep my hopes up.

Cyborg Dance Projekt: Weeks 11 & 12....full shimmy ahead!

My beat up FCBD bag with my TENS unit

Photo description: A cream colored, multiply stained, but visibly used & abused tote bag that says "Fat Chance Belly Dance, Devyani Dance Company" in magenta text,  "Tribal Pura" in orange text with a green and design in the middle.  My TENS unit sits on top of the bag with a cord stretched out of the picture.  The screen reads "18.0" on the left and "0.0" on the right.

This has been an interesting couple of weeks in the Projekt.  For the most part, I've been sticking with my three classes a week (sometimes missing one of them due to exhaustion or too much pain), but it's just been busier overall.  I've also made a point of playing my doumbek several times a week, even if it's only for a few minutes.

My studio hosted Project Shimmy, a world dance show that raises money for the Triad Health Project, a local HIV/AIDS support organization.  I volunteered at the check in and ticket desk, and got to see some amazing dancers from throughout North Carolina.  Sara Beaman (a wonderful woman who offered to give me a private lesson to figure out my cyborg biomechanics....and a phenomenal performer), Emily Beaman, Xavier Shadowdancer (my Sunday night intermediate cab teacher), Torque (the professional troupe that is based at Twisted Dance), Nandana, and a bunch of other stellar folks.  Not only was it an awesome show to watch, but really got me back in the mindset that I needed to bring my dancing back to at least a semi-professional level.

The other big thing was an Autumn Dance Salon and Drum Jam in Winston-Salem, NC.  Issam Houshan, an internationally acclaimed tabla (another name for a doumbek) player was offering workshops on drumming and zilling, plus there were three dance workshops available...one of them was a tribal fusion workshop taught by Tina Marie, a former member of UNMATA (one of my dance inspirations).  My partner paid for me to be able to take one drum workshop, one dance workshop (all that my spine would really allow for anyhow), and the show that evening.

Let's just say it was an amazing day.  I woke up feeling absolutely awful due to pain and not enough sleep, but the chance to learn drumming techniques from Issam pushed me to get there.  He is an amazing teacher, spent time making sure that all of our doums, teks, and kas sounded right (he even gave me some personal attention to get my small hands in a better position for the ka).  I had a few fangirl moments like when he borrowed my drum to show differences in drum sizes (*squee* Issam held my drum!).

Between the drum and dance workshop I was signed up for, I had some time to chat with people, look at the shiny things people were selling (I splurged on a pair of leopard print pantaloons that another dancer was parting with for $15, thus making myself broke for the rest of the month...but worth it....because leopard print).  I was a little sad that I wasn't doing the zill workshop with Issam, but I knew that a few of my friends from the studio were in there.

The tribal fusion workshop with Tina Marie was great as well.  My body was still angry at the world at large, and even more miffed that I'd spent an hour and a half perched on the end of a too-tall-for-me chair with no back support, but I got through without any real spine issues.  We did some neat layering exercises that actually kept me from making my basic moves too big, then learned an ITS improv move that I've always loved from UNMATA (this video has the move at approximately 4:15...the video does have strobe lighting, so be careful if that bothers you).

After the workshop, I had lunch with Sara and Tina Marie.  It was cool to chat about all sorts of dance things, experiences, and whatnot.  We went to Tina Marie's house so she and Sara could prepare for the show, chatted about costuming, makeup, music (I now have a possible song candidate for the Cyborg Dance Projekt performance!), even a little bit about work versus dance conflict.

The show itself was a lot of fun.  I realized that ATS, tribal, and fusion were less common in this part of the state but it seemed really well received.  There was a variety of skill levels and styles, which sometimes makes a hafla more interesting to watch (it feels more like a community dance party than a show).  Issam drummed for one of the dancers Paula, and continued to drum for the drum jam after the performances (that I didn't stay for because I was almost out of spoons and I had a half hour drive back home).

What was really poignant for the day was the number of times people told me that they were sad that I wasn't performing that night....it really made me feel like a wanted part of the local dance scene!  What a much needed ego boost!

Between dancing and drumming, I'm full shimmy ahead to week 13 of the Projekt!  Aiwa!

Cyborg Dance Projekt: Weeks 9 & 10

My doumbek &  my crutch at World in Motion

Because of the start of the semester, my time for blogging has been cut a bit short.  I apologize for the
combined Cyborg Dance Projekt post.

Photo description: a light and shiny wooden floor of a dance studio with a doumbek drum (silver with a white synthetic drum head) standing next to a black and bronze forearm crutch that is laying  down. 

The past two weeks I've been sticking to a dance schedule of one class at a time, three classes week.  Intermediate cab (a modified choreography from Bozenka), level 2 American Tribal Style, and Intermediate tribaret.  I was tempted a few times to take two classes at once, but my workload with work, school, and my fiance's car problems kept me from doing that at all.

Week 9 was actually pretty uneventful.  Both of the choreo classes made me feel almost like my old self, just rocking through choreography and soaking it up like a sponge.  I kept a pretty decent posture through the courses, didn't overextend, and made sure that any time not spent in motion was spent either leaning against a wall or crouched to keep my spine where it needed to be.  The ATS class was a little harder just because a lot of the classmates use body waves and Arabics as go-to moves (two moves that are spinal undulations that are hard for me to do because of the metal bits....here's a video showing the move and variations of Arabics).

Week 10 was a bit rougher.  Sunday's choreo class was ok even though I was hurting a bit.  I realized after the class that even though I'm still in a lot of pain, I can usually still do most bellydance movements without severe exacerbation of nerve-related symptoms (before surgery, bellydance was one of the things that would always and severely cause nerve issues).  ATS is going well enough that I inquired about the possibility of taking the level 3 class, with the answer being a resounding "yes" from teachers and classmates (this will take some schedule wiggling though as the class is in the middle of the afternoon on Sundays, although I would have at least an hour break between that class and the intermediate cab class in the evening.

Wednesday was a bit rougher.  I've been having an excessively bendy body, which usually correlates with an uptick in full body pain (yay for pituitary dwarfism!).  My right ankle, the one that I've sprained five or so times, felt like it may be sprained again....although I didn't remember rolling it (a byproduct of not feeling part of my legs).  My back was unhappy, but dance is my current physical therapy.  My main problem was that I had trouble keeping my movements small in the choreography that we're learning, which aggravated both my spine and the rest of my unhappy joints.  I will probably always be fighting my "bendy girl" joints (as a yoga teacher called them).

The end of the week was punctuated with a "drumming for dancers" workshop in Morrisville, North Carolina (a bit over an hour drive).  I bought a doumbek a couple years ago when my spine started getting really bad because I wanted a way to stay in the dance community, but I never learned how to play it.  I tried to learn by just trying and I tried learning with a DVD, but I could never get the right sounds (for you drummer folks, specifically "tek" and "ka").  This workshop came up, and my partner paid for the workshop as a birthday present.

My pain level was so bad that walking was really difficult, so I was incredibly thankful that I was signed up for something seated.  Even with my crutch, my gait was limited to a shuffle as anything more felt like my sciatic nerves were being clamped with needle-nose pliers.  We got to the studio a little late, but just in time to be shown the basic "where to put your hands to make the different sounds" part.  Amazingly, once I was shown the positions and had them checked (both by sight and sound), I was off and running.  Sure I made mistakes (lots of them!), but it was like I was meant to be doing it.  I found a joy that combined my lifelong love of music (little known fact, I had a music scholarship for euphonium and played the bass trombone in a collegiate jazz band).  At the end, I was just ecstatic....especially as folks talked about organizing future workshops and drum jams that would help us all become better drummers.

It's been a hell of a couple weeks....but at least there was some awesomeness in the Projekt.  Now to figure out how to practice my doumbek at home without freaking out my cats....

Cyborg Dance Project Week 8: Gettin' busy

The sign on my front door of my home

Photo description: A white door with a framed sign hanging on the front of it.  It has a black frame with white background and says "Life isn't about waiting for the Storm to pass, It's about learning to Dance in The Storm."

This is the week that the Projekt and scholarly life collide.  Since I got back from Gen Con and literally went from airplane to classroom, I haven't had much time to breathe, relax, and get caught up on sleep.  On top of it, my partner's car needed repairs and I got a parking ticket warning despite my handicap placard at a parking meter.  By the time I got to the studio, my dance options at the non-beginner level were limited to just the ATS 2 class.  Forced moderation!

I'm finding that I'm still having a lot of trouble staying in proper dance posture and having trouble standing in one place at all without bending my knees backward or letting my back arch.  I'm slowly getting better about being able to zill and stay vertical, which feels like a minor miracle sometimes when I have to expend a lot of energy making sure my feet are where I think they are (my proprioception problems aren't going away, and I probably won't be getting any more feeling back in my lower body since I'm 7 months post-op).

At the end of the class, a couple of the other dance instructors joined us in some group improv....and ended up teaching the other level 2 students my favorite move (Egyptian half-turn) along with the Egyptian full-turn.  I've been worried that I'll toss those moves in when we do class improv, so now I know I can toss these in when I lead (probably not the full-turn because I have trouble staying upright with any full turn move at speed).

After class I chatted with Xavier (who I've mentioned in other dance posts) and told him about Different Drummer Belly Dance at Gen Con.  We chatted about geek belly dance and we started conspiring about doing our own geek choreo...I'm thrilled, especially since the Arabian Spices performance opportunity fell through.

Week 9 of the Projekt will probably involve three classes at Twisted Dance: Xavier's Sunday Intermediate cabaret class,  Tuesday ATS 2, and Wednesday Intermediate Tribaret (Melissa's class moved from Tuesday to Wednesday, so that'll help with being more gentle to my body).  While life is going to be busy between scholarly classes, time at the studio, paid work, wedding planning, and dealing with life in general, I usually thrive while busy...I'll find out pretty quickly if my body is up for this schedule! *fingers crossed*

Cyborg Dance Projekt Week 7: Trying moderation

Photo 2009 by Dave Stagner Photography

Photo on the left is from 2009 when I danced at CONvergence.  It was taken by Dave Stagner Photography.  It's black and white and shows me standing in a layback pose with one arm above my head with the other at my chest.  I'm wearing a black cropped dance top with long sleeves, black flared pants, and a hip scarf with a tiger on it.

Note:  I probably need more photos of me dancing some day for this blog!  If any photographer types want to get their name up here, hit me up....I've done a little amateur modeling for other local photogs, and I love it.

After last week's troubles, I'm making a more conscious effort to be gentle in this project.  People that know me know that I tend to have two modes of operation: on or off.  I first had it blatantly pointed out to me from my old kickboxing instructor, although I remember being praised for my "balls to the wall" type effort in most of my physical pursuits from triathlon training to Crossfit to dance (with doing 8-10 hour dance days in San Francisco in 2005).  I have a lot of trouble with moderation in physical activity, which probably isn't a surprise with blog posts about hating gentle physical activity or the 5k race I did untrained in my wheelchair.

I think some of this comes from dueling internalized ableism (from my birth defect-related experiences, like special ed gym classes in elementary school) and internalized sizeism (I've never been a thin person and have been bullied and harassed for being fat).  Some of it is just the sense of wonder that I get from learning a new task, pushing my body to its limits, or achieving various physical goals....I love the memories of the triathlons, the 150 miles of biking in a weekend, the polar plunge, the 40mph ride down a steep hill on my racing bike, the marathon dance classes....

Anyhow, I went to my friend Xavier's intermediate cabaret-style class on Sunday evening.  My bellydance background started with cab style, so I was pretty excited.  When I got there, he let me know that we were doing a Bozenka choreography that he learned at a master class.  When he said that, I knew that I would have to be careful to not overdo it...I knew that my brain would default to "learn the choreo at all costs!!"

My spine was being a little persnickety that night.  When we were warming up, I kept losing my balance (when you have spinal cord damage, sometimes standing is a balance pose).  I was a little concerned, but stood near the wall while bits of the intro were shown.  I decided to not do most of the fast spins in the choreography because it felt like a recipe for gimp-disaster (plus there's still useful muscle memory that can be gained by fudging movement!).

The one thing that I really learned is that it's hard to be careful when I'm being told to do something specific with my body (aka choreography).  My tendency is to force my body to do things it doesn't want to do (or shouldn't do biomechanically).  I have something to seriously work on if I intend to ever do choreographed dance performances.

For the other part of my attempt at moderation, I went back to classes on Tuesday but told myself (and my partner for accountability) that I would only go to two classes.  I would either do ATS 1 and 2, or do ATS 2 plus the intermediate tribaret class.  Since Melissa had a sub for her class, I stuck with ATS 1 & 2 (with the mental note that if my spine felt bad, I could stop...I was under no obligation to take 2 classes).

I did an OK job of being careful in the classes, and would crouch to watch movement explanations instead of following along (the value of mental rehearsal).  My spine was pissy that night, so I focused on trying to "fudge" movements in a way that was still readable to the other dancers as American Tribal Style is a group improv style that relies on visual cues to signal the next move.  I also tried to avoid leading as much as possible because of very similar issues I'm having with choreography....my brain is already focusing on not falling, keeping spine-safe dance posture, dancing, watching for cues, etc.

Finally, while not related to actual dancing but related to dance community, I'm using my Quickbooks knowledge in exchange for dance classes to help fund this project.  Not only will this help keep me in dance classes (at least 2 a week), but it means that I'll benefit from being at the studio more even when my body is being non-compliant.  These are people that I've known for most of my time in Greensboro, and these are people that have been awesome and caring when my spine got bad (including the wheelchair dance experiment).

The plan is to continue with the intermediate cabaret class on Sunday evenings along with two classes on Tuesdays.  I would love to add another day of classes, but between my academic classes (on Monday and Thursday evenings), my bookkeeping duties, and desire to spend time with my fiance and friends....we'll see what happens.

Cyborg Dance Projekt week 6: Four zills forward, a couple steps back

New elastic on old zills

Photo shows pale fingers with plain brass finger cymbals (zills) strapped on with white elastic.

I was feeling pretty ok yesterday, which for me means that my pain level was around a 5 or 6 according to the pain tracker I use on my iPhone.  My brain was a bit squirrely,  so I figured a good trio of dance classes would be pretty ok based on how I was doing (I was still in enough pain that trying to read or write was going to be difficult, but dancing....that I felt like I could do).  So I headed for the studio for the ATS levels 1 & 2 classes, with the possibility of my usual 8:15pm class to round it out.

The first class went fine.  I knew that doing bodywaves would be hard on my spine, so I did less of them.  I stood back sometimes and watched (because mental rehearsal is still part of rehearsing!) and sometimes I would hold the wall for support.  I felt ok (thanks in part to pain medication taken before class), so I decided to stay for the next class.

 ATS level 2 went really well, but I didn't have the chance to stand back to rest and take in information like I did in the first class.  I was having fun with a pair of zills that a classmate let me use (these beautiful Saroyan Afghani zills that I didn't think I would be able to play because of the size...but I used them the whole time!  She also showed me an awesome zill elastic trick using hair ties).  I was sweaty and happy, but trying to ignore that my spine was getting tired.

I stayed for the last class just because I wanted to...I knew my spine was getting tired, but Melissa is cool with me modifying anything I need to modify.  Instead of drilling, we've been working on musicality in fusion bellydance (shared vocabulary between cabaret and tribal styles using different accents or register).  It didn't take long for me to need to use the wall for support, or to squat while listening.  Towards the end of the class, my cyborg bits were just done and I sat on the floor for the last bit (but still danced).

When I got home, my body just started shutting me down.  First with wicked exhaustion, then with my right glute squeezing the nerve so hard that I couldn't put weight on it.  My partner had to help me get to and from the bathroom because it felt like I was being stabbed with a screwdriver in my rear.

It's taken me a few days to get that irritated nerve calmed down to the point that I'm not limping and wincing as badly.  I think the lesson is that three classes back-to-back, no matter how well I feel that day, is just too much for this aging gimpy body, at least for the foreseeable future.

Week 5 of the Cyborg Dance Projekt: Triple threat!

Devil duckie plus my first pair of real zills from FCBD

The photo to the left shows a green rubber duck with devil horns and four brass zills (finger cymbals) circling it on a black table.

This has been a weird dance week.  I spent the weekend trying to figure out how to set up the online tech rehearsal for the Arabian Spices online show and sent several semi-frantic emails to the coordinator of that show....with no avail, no response, and no way to get anything in motion.  So unfortunately, this end of the performance isn't happening, and I'm really bummed.  It was going to be my first time performing with Xavier Shadowdancer!  And my first performance in a good several years.

I suppose it was probably a blessing in disguise.  When I was running through the choreography dvd to make written choreography notes, my spine was giving me distinct "don't keep doing this" and "please stop" signals.  I was figuring out ways to modify movements for the performance (and for my dancing in general), but I had already opened the Pandora's Box that is my spine issues.

On Monday my back had recovered from the mild abuse so I was thinking about taking a level one American Tribal Style (ATS) class that is also on Tuesday night (before the class I've been taking with Melissa).  It's been in my mind for a while since I took some classes with Fat Chance Belly Dance in 2005-2006 when I was in San Francisco (even made it to a few level three classes!).

Tuesday came (and still no response about the online performance) and I had such a bad day at work that I had a meltdown when I got home.  My lovely partner told me that I should go to the class and just see how it went.  If I felt like doing the level one ATS class plus my usual class, or even toss in the level two class (for a total of three classes, back to back), then I would.

Amazingly, I made it through all three classes, albeit partially due to just needing to keep my mind off everything that made me angry.  Some of the ATS moves were still in my muscle memory, some of them made awful crunchy sounds & feelings that caused me to have to modify or cheat the move, and I vehemently avoided leading (ATS is a group improv style where someone has to lead and cue the movements....there is no choreography). 

The last class (my usual intermediate non-ATS class) was probably not in my best interest, but I wanted to take Melissa's class and I really didn't want to leave dancespace.  I didn't end up hurting myself, although I was having trouble walking afterward....and I did fall in my apartment later that evening while cleaning (not a bad one, but my leg just stopped working while I was crouched).

The aftermath?  I've actually been good sore the past couple days in my quads and hips....something that I always love because it means that I actually was able to exercise with enough intensity to feel like I worked out (instead of just feeling like I hurt myself with my spine).  My spine pain hasn't been reduced at all, but it didn't get irritated either.

Since it's the day before the Arabian Spices online performance, I'm still miffed that I didn't get a response to still be able to be a part of that neat show with Xavier.  I guess I'll just have to make him dance with me some other time (up for some fab cab one of these days hun?).

Now I just have to figure out how to pay for more dance classes (and new zills, and other dance goodies)!!

Week 4 of the Cyborg Dance Projekt

My crutch plus hip fringe

I was in Minnesota from July 2nd to the 9th, so I missed two weeks of the project.  Since I didn't dance at all (but did watch bellydance at CONvergence!  Posts coming later this week on the convention), I'm counting this as week four!

Photo to the right shows a bronze forearm crutch leaning against a dance studio mirror with multicolored fringe hanging on the cuff of the crutch. Some of the fringe is almost as long as the crutch is tall.  The crutch is slightly reflected in the mirror behind it.

I've been having a rough week since getting back from Minnesota.  While I was physically active on vacation, I didn't do any dancing or physical therapy type things.  I also went right back to work without taking a day to recover from the trip.  Needless to say, my body did not feel like it could handle a dance class....but I knew my mind, heart, and soul needed it.

So I posted on Facebook that "I had a two week dance hiatus because of my trip to MN and it's been a rough several days because of pain....I'm still going to go to class, even if I have to sit my butt on the studio floor and pretend that I'm moving in my head, damnit."  My awesome instructor replied with "I'm sure I can figure out something for you to do on the floor" with a smiley emoticon.  When I saw her before class, I let her know that I was being a little dramatic and just needed to get thoughts out, but that my two week break from dancing showed me that my little Projekt was doing more good than harm (I really wasn't sure if I was just being stubborn because I wanted to dance or if I was seeing some sort of biomechanical benefit along with the pain).  I also realize now, in retrospect, that I had taken prescription pain medication before class, so I think I was being overly chatty and rambling.

Sure enough, my gimpitude inspired a seated drilling class where we focused on really isolating some of our body parts.  Necks, shoulders, chests, even a little hip and glute work (which amazingly did not irritate my spine like a lot of glute work does...probably because of less focus on the gluteus maximus and more with auxiliary glute muscles).  We ended standing with a fun little choreography that she teaches her beginner students and stretching to cool down.  While I had a few balance issues that were pretty easily corrected with a wider stance, my pain level was pretty well under control with the medication (sometimes medication means I'm less mindful of my body's limits and I'll push too far because it doesn't hurt "too badly").

So far, I think the Projekt is a success, although it has caveats.  The real test will be to see how well I can perform, but I'll find that out at the end of the month when I dance Arabian Spices with two of the instructors at Twisted Dance Studios for the 10th anniversary of Sahira's Arabian Spices choreography.  I still don't know if I'm going to have to learn two versions of the choreography depending on my balance issues that day (one that is with the crutch, one without), but I have fabulous people that are supporting me through this!

*zaghareet*

Six Month Cyborg Birthday

My surgical x-rays from January 16, 2013

Photo on the left shows two circular x-ray films.  The top is a front-view of my screws and rods into my vertebrae, the bottom is a side view that shows how long the screws go into my vertebrae.

It's been a long six months and today marks my half-year cyborg birthday.  I'm not quite sure what to say as this hasn't been the journey I expected to be on.  My mind is full of things that I thought I would be able to do by now.  I thought I would be walking without assistive devices.  I thought I would be able to walk the mile from home to work & school.  I thought I would have just a nagging pain that Tylenol or Advil could ameliorate (or maybe the occasional opioid when pain would keep me from falling asleep).

I knew that there were things I would probably never do again.  I would probably never run again, but I had hopes that I could walk 5k races and eventually be able to train for a walking marathon (because completing a marathon is still on my bucket list, along with see every continent and being an extra in a movie).  I knew that I would be limited in my weightlifting capabilities (I wrote about that in my post "Mourning the loss of my one-rep max").

Most of all, I expected to be back at my intellectual fittest, and that's the most frustrating thing right now.  I went back to work about two months too soon and probably should have taken a leave of absence for my coursework, but since my job and my health insurance are tied to my student status, I couldn't.  I'm not sure if my brain would be back where it needed to be if I took the three to six months off that I should have taken.  All I know is that between pain, spasms, nerve problems, and fatigue, my ability to concentrate on my scholarly work (or even reading fiction for pleasure) is severely compromised.  I don't even play video games as much as I used to because of it, and my ability to concentrate while playing board games or tabletop role playing games is so low that my friends have to make allowances.  I'm still fighting through a personal essay I'm working on for a book chapter, and the last 25 page paper I need to write for my Spring semester incomplete is trapped in cognitive purgatory.  Even several blog posts are stuck because of my brain fog.....the wheel is turning but the hamster is narcoleptic (I refuse to call it dead....I'm still working and still writing a little, and still managing to do some things in life that give me happiness).

It might seem as if I regret having the surgery by seeing what I've written.  I'm upset that it hasn't worked out the way I imagined.  I'm upset that my L4/L5 spinal joint is already showing signs of compressing the nerves into my legs.  I'm angry that I now deal with spasms that are painful and cause me to accidentally kick my beloved Bela cat (who has made his own amazing recovery and is now a 15 pound orange love beastie).  However, I am in less pain than I was this past November and December.  I haven't been to an Emergency Room for pain since before the surgery.  I haven't had a pain spike so bad that I couldn't breathe for an extended period of time.  I can walk through a grocery store most of the time, albeit aided with a cart or assistive devices.  I'm also slowly getting back into bellydance via my Cyborg Dance Projekt.

I don't regret the surgery, but I really wish that it would have gone better.  I knew going in that my pituitary birth defect would make this journey difficult and increase my chances of the surgery failing or not helping.  At this point, I just have to try to keep hoping that it will get better.  If nothing else, if my cognitive abilities don't improve, being a doctoral student in the sociology of physical activity & sport is going to be extremely difficult.  I enjoy sociological thinking, but it doesn't come naturally to me.  Science is my first scholarly language, but I find sociocultural scholarship more rewarding....but combined with this new post-op/cyborg/healing brain, it's exhausting and painful at best.

Here's to hoping that the next six months lead to a better overall quality of life.

Week 3 of the Cyborg Dance Projekt

The first time I balanced a sword (2006)

Photo on the left was taken in 2006 at a small Renaissance festival in northern Minnesota. The background is a tent with warm-colored tapestries in browns, oranges, and maroon.  A doumbek drum sits on the floor near me.  My hair is shoulder length and light auburn.  I'm wearing a black tiered skirt, a black tunic, a silver belt with coins and bells, a large Kuchi necklace.  My hands & arms are shoulder height and I'm balancing a delicate silver scimitar on my head.

 On Tuesday, I went to the intermediate bellydance class that I've been going to at Twisted Dance.  The weather was absolutely dreadful, I was exhausted and in pain, and there was part of me that really didn't want to go.  I have this lingering fear that I will find some movement that will cause major pain, or will cause my legs to give out, or will give me that unnameable pain that makes me just burst into tears.  Dancing does still cause pain, and it does still relate to nerve irritation, and I am fighting pain that doesn't have an immediate "stop doing that right now" signal.

Despite a crummy day, I managed to get my butt to the studio with ye olde forearm crutch in tow. There were only 2 of us plus the instructor (maybe people are scared off by the drill-centricness of the class, or maybe 8:15pm is too late for most folks).  The class was pretty informal, but that helps because it allows me to pay more attention to my movement.

We warmed up, drilled mostly layering movements (mostly hip and shoulder shimmies with slides, pops, and figure-eights), and cooled down.  My hardware area gave me a few protestations that felt like they were addressed by making smaller movements.  I also noticed that I'm getting more flexibility back as well as it was the first time since surgery that I could touch my toes with straight legs (to give a point of reference, I used to be able to put my hands flat on the floor behind my feet).  While this is a victory on some level, it was a reminder about how easily my L4/5 joint can get messed up (I already have nerve-related signs that the nerves are irritated....I may need to get another fusion when that gets bad).

Later that evening, I had a pretty bad delayed reaction to dancing.  Every time I put weight on my right leg that night, it felt like I was being jabbed with a large flathead screwdriver in my glute.  That feeling has been on again, off again since Tuesday, but combined with more overall nerve crumminess (which I exacerbated by dancing and modeling on Thursday morning.

I'm toying with going to the same instructor's class tomorrow as she's teaching a sword class, but I'll need to see how my overall balance is before I try to take a class that requires balancing a dangerous-looking object on various parts of my body.  Even if I'm in a lot of pain, I'll probably end up going just so I can play with my favorite dance prop.

The Projekt will be on hold until mid-July as I will be going to Minnesota for my annual trip to see friends at CONvergence and my family afterward.  Expect a few "flying with wheels" types posts as I'm bringing my wheelchair.  My balance and walking/standing tolerance has been too inconsistent to just rely on a cane or crutch both for travel and getting around the convention hotel.