OOTD: Bee-autiful in blue polka dots

OOTD in my laundry room mirror

Photo description: a selfie taken in front of a rectangular mirror in a laundry room. My body is only visible from neck to ankles. I'm wearing a black waist-length cardigan with a royal blue and sky blue polka dotted empire waist dress. Black leggings are visible underneath the dress.

This dress was actually my second garment from Gwynnie Bee, a clothing subscription service geared for sizes 10-28.  Because I had a free garment for getting a referral credit, I accidentally had this in two colors at the same time (whoops!).  This was my first attempt at wearing an empire waist in a non-stretch fabric and I'm in love with this cut on my body.  Even though I was in quite a bit of pain that day, I felt dolled up and adorable!

OOTD: More Gwynnie Bee, office edition

OOTD from a couple weeks ago

Photo description: a standing selfie taken in an office bathroom with stalls. My hair is pulled back, with clear glasses, large circular earrings, and a brass forearm crutch. I'm wearing a camel colored collarless blazer with a brown multi toned tea length dress.

This blazer and dress combo was another outfit from Gwynnie Bee.  I was having a really rough pain day (hence the pulled back & somewhat greasy hair), but I was trying to compensate by looking pretty.  This dress got a lot of compliments at work!  It was also decently comfortable, although the arms on the blazer were a little snug.  It also came with a decorative belt, but my spine said "no" to anything sitting firmly near my cyborg bits.

So far, I'm pretty happy with Gwynnie Bee...I just wish I could have more control of what garments come at what time, but it's been satisfying my desire to shop but keeps me to a better budget with the membership cost (free to try with this link, then starts at $35 per month depending on how many garments at a time you have).

One of these days I'll have an OOTD (outfit of the day) with my wheelchair.  Because my office and campus as a whole aren't particularly wheelchair accessible, I've been toughing it out with my crutch and pain meds.

OTOD: Clothing the Cyborgling!

Because my brain has been stuck in painville, I've been back to playing with various aesthetic things lately again.  Since I'm still in love with my current hairstyle (an undercut with the top layer shoulder length), still in love with my bright auburn hair dye (although, if my job would allow me to, I would love to play with funky colors), and am not in a financial position to get the tattoos that I'm planning, I'm left with clothing and makeup.  I'm not a particularly feminine person most of the time, but my adventures in appearance-related things always feels like drag.

"We're born naked, and the rest is drag." ~RuPaul

The problem is that this kind of experiment always ends up being expensive, and my finances really haven't sorted themselves out since a while before my spine surgery almost a year ago.  Not only is it monetarily expensive, but it can be hard from a physical energy standpoint (trying on clothes when you have trouble bending or twisting makes trying on things in store more difficult).  It's also a hassle when many companies that cater to people above a size 14 sell most of their clothes online.

So when I heard about this company called Gwynnie Bee on Facebook and through an article on xoJane I was intrigued.  What it is is a subscription clothing service that you pay a monthly fee for (the first month is free with a referral, so if you are interested check it out), with the fee dependent on how many items you want out at a time much like Netflix with physical DVDs.  It caters to sizes 10-32 and has dresses, tops, skirts, blazers, and cardigans from a variety of clothing labels (sadly no pants...I have the most problem with pants).

I'd been waffling on the service for a while because of the price.  It starts out at $35 a month for one garment at a time (shipping both ways included in that price), but I realized that I probably wasted that much trying to find things that I like, that fit me well, that are work appropriate, and that last more than a few washes (which is my current issue with Old Navy right now).  I figured that the first month free was a good way to try it out, so here's my first item....an Asos Curve tailored skater skirt with a belt.

Black + black + black

Photo description: the author seated on a bench taking a self-photo in an accessible dressing room with a black tshirt, black flared skirt, brown belt, black leggings, and black boots. She is holding one of the grab bars with her right hand, and the left is holding a cellphone to take the photo.

Thanks to measurements that one of my conference roommates took in November for my wedding garb, I had a better idea of what size would work for me. This skirt was great, although I've never worn a high-waisted garment like this before so I was constantly fussing with the skirt waist (it was a little loose, so that didn't help).  I felt cute, looked professional enough for my office (with a cardigan over the shirt), and the whole experience made it so I have a better idea of how Asos Curve's size chart runs (a little big, but worked well on my pear shaped body with my 10-11 inch difference between my waist & hips).

This skirt was great for the office on a day where I was using my crutch to get around.  Since my wheelchair doesn't have clothing guards, this skirt won't work for a wheeling day (I'm sitting in the photo above to show how poofy the skirt is since I was walking and not wheeling that evening).  There are a lot of skirts and dresses that like to get tangled in crutches and canes, so I'm really happy with this style overall.

I wore the skirt once then popped it in the pre-paid, pre-addressed bag so I could get the next item in my queue (they call it the closet).  They dry clean every item in between customers!  Pretty slick deal.

There are a few things I find a little annoying about the service though.  You have to have six items in your closet for them to ship an item, and you don't get to pick what ships.  I was actually hoping that this red leopard print dress from Asos Curve was going to ship first, but alas.  The second complaint I have is that they don't have pants.  I'm guessing that this is because pants can wear out faster depending on body shape (like chub rub for those of us with pear or hourglass shapes, or with large thighs).  The last one I have is that some of the items are much more "trendy" than I would normally wear, so I had trouble finding enough items that I wanted to try right off the bat....although since I only have one item out at a time, I decided to put different colors of the same item in my closet to try to increase my chances of getting a style I wanted, even if the color wasn't my favorite.

I just received my second item today to try out, this red polka dotted dress from Cherry Velvet.  I'm not in love with the pattern, but I snagged it to try the cut of the dress.  I'll post another OTOD (outfit of the day) to tell you all how it went!

Fitness, fashion, fatness, frustration

Bad photo with tight top

So I use a neat survey site called CrowdTap that asks various questions about various companies and products, one of them being Old Navy (I generally love Old Navy as my fashion preferences are usually pretty plain but functional and semi-sporty).  I got the opportunity to sample their Active line using a coupon that gave me a pair of compression pants and a top.  I was pretty excited, but a little nervous since the coupon was for in-store use only and their plus sizes are offered only online.  I generally fit in their XL or XXL straight sizes, but their sizing is consistently inconsistent.

The photo to the right shows me, a pale short & fat woman, wearing fitted black capris with teal trim on the calf, black socks, fitted teal top, with my right hand on my hip, left hand holding on to a table for balance.

So I went to one of the local shops with my partner to see what we could find.  I was really excited by some of the colors, but really dismayed that it was hard to find anything I wanted in anything bigger than a medium.  I lucked out and found some compression pants (which seem to help with some of the leg spasms that I get when I try to work out using my legs) that were in my size with teal mesh insets (ON calls the color "Pirate Cove").  The coordinating tops though stopped at a women's XL.  Since I own some of ON's tops in XL, I poked through the rack to see if I could find the biggest XL I could find (I think my other half was confused by this until I showed him the several inches difference between the biggest XL and another XL of the same color).  I decided to risk the smaller size as the only options in store for the XXL were an eye-piercing pink and a see-through white.  I'm not comfortable with how the XL hugs my tummy rolls and the sleeves are too tight for a good TRX workout (or anything with a lot of arm movement).

The photo was taken for the CrowdTap challenge that gave me the free clothes.  The top would be awesome in the right size for working out at the gym as the fabric is a nice technical (quick-drying) fabric.  The pants would be awesome if they were a bit shorter (but I'm 4'11" so I think everything should be shorter!) and if they had a drawstring in the waist to keep them up.

I just wish I could find the XXL top locally in the teal "Pirate Cove" color!  I also wish that the plus size clothes, especially the activewear, were available in stores because of the odd sizing issues that I always have with them.

I'm a (fashion) hypocrite (OOTD from Saturday, on wheels))

I have a confession to make.

I bought pants. Twice.

Some of you may have remembered my vow to give up pants that I made in May.  Well....

#1:  It started off with a Labor Day sale through Eddie Bauer.  When I was a bit smaller, they had a curvy cut of chinos that was serviceable (they do come in plus, but I haven't tried them...they're expensive)).  It wasn't perfect, but with a shirt that hit at hip length, it was no big deal.  I found out that they have plus sizes on their webpage, and they had a curvy boot cut jean on sale for $19.99 with free shipping.  Since I have an Eddie Bauer store near me, I figured that the worst that would happen is that they don't fit and I just bring them back to the store.

I bought two pairs of jeans at two different sizes because my hips were at one size and my waist at another, so I wanted to give the jeans an honest try.  With the larger size I had to keep reminding myself that my self-worth has nothing to do with the number on the tag, and that sizes are arbitrary anyhow (despite my Health At Every Size stance, sometimes old thoughts creep back in).

The good news is that I found jeans that fit my body shape (although Eddie Bauer doesn't have petite or short lengths in plus sizes, so they were about 6-8" too long).  The bad news is the fabric didn't feel right against my legs, although not many fabrics feel good with the nerve damage lately.

Verdict:  jeans returned due to the fabric.

Locker rooms aren't usually good for self-photos

#2.  I have a variety of rewards cards that give birthday coupons, and Torrid always emails me a $10 off a $10 or more purchase coupon as a part of their program.  I've fallen in love with their leggings, so I went to the mall and figured that I would probably end up with leggings or some jewelry.  I decided to check out the clearance racks (partially to see if they had some fun geek shirts) and ended up finding a pair of cargo pants that had a drawstring waistband and a curvy-looking waist-to-hip area.  Dubious, I tried them on and they fit perfectly (partially due to the drawstring).  Magic!

Just fyi, the pic to the right doesn't do the pants justice (locker rooms at the YMCA aren't known for fantastic lighting or places to park oneself in front of a mirror). The pic doesn't really do me justice either, but I think I'm just having one of those days where I don't like any of my pictures.  I also promised one of my readers to post a fashion-related picture post of me in the wheelchair because clothes fit differently based on different ways of moving around the world.

Even better is the length.  They have buckles to make them be either a short capri or crop on an "average height" person....which means that the crop length is perfect as regular pants for me.  The D-rings also make a little jingle sound when I move that always makes me smile.  The cargo pockets are perfect for when I'm using my wheelchair so I can access my phone & wallet easily, but aren't so bulky that I scrape the pockets when pushing or using a cane.

Verdict: I have pants!!  That fit well (even if they get a little short when using my wheelchair), have easily accessible and functional pockets, and the fabric isn't annoying.  Hooray!

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So, I'm not a complete skirt convert.  I admit it.  Maybe if I can get myself a Maccabi skirt or a Utilikilt, maybe I'll be converted...maybe :-)

OOTD: casual Friday (on Thursday)

I'm wearing lipgloss!

I'm posting on my laptop, so I don't have my horde of Paralympics links to share with you today.  So I'm going to just post two pictures that I took yesterday.  One showing off my hair & makeup, the other a full body shot of my outfit (I'm wearing jeans...I'm not completely converted to skirts, but I can't resist wearing jeans to work when I have the opportunity).

The first photo is a self-portrait headshot of my haircut & color that I got at my local Aveda salon.  This is part of my self-care regime that I've been doing for a while (it started with my inability to dye my own hair and became something that contributed to my mental well-being).  Last time I got my hair done, my stylist put some lip gloss on me that resulted in a lot of comments from coworkers and friends.   So I decided to pick it up at the appointment.  I don't think I got a good photograph of it, but I like it.  I'm feeling somewhat motivated to learn some techniques for other makeup.

Work bathroom self-photo!

As for the outfit, it's pretty darn casual.  The jeans are an older style of Right Fit jeans from Lane Bryant (oh how I wish they hadn't redesigned them!), the jersey cardigan from Old Navy, the t-shirt also from Old Navy (their t-shirts have become part of my usual uniform as they are comfy, fit comfortably, and work for both work & casual), shoes are from Shoe Carnival, and the cane is from Folding Sticks (the only place I've found with a folding cane shorter than 32").  The watch is my red Polar heart rate monitor that I used to use for spin classes & triathlon training.

I'll probably have more actual content in the next couple days, but my Labor Day weekend is currently taken up with a little bit of birthday celebration, research, and schoolwork.  Have a great weekend!

OOTD (the other day at least).

Yes, I'm grabbing the wall...

In a moment of vanity, I decided to take a couple self-photos because of my decision to wean myself off pants.  I'm only wearing the pants that fit me well, and I have a bin of pants that need to go to the local consignment store (or find a fat fashion clothing swap).  I've also figured out that 1) I have to wear pants working out because running skirts don't work well on my body, and 2) workout pants need to have a drawstring so they stay where I want them to stay without pinching or binding.

So the first picture is a jersey high-low hem skirt from Target and a 3/4 sleeve jersey top from Old Navy (lightweight so I don't roast in the North Carolina heat but not sheer so my tattoos are still covered).  The shirt is probably a size too big, but the sizing at Old Navy is pretty hit or miss, so I opted for baggy.  I'm wearing running shoes as my plan was to go to the gym right after work (plus no one gives me hell at work for my comfy/unprofessional footwear...gimp privilege!).  Since my cane hand has the camera, I'm holding on to the bathroom wall for balance.  Even holding on, this picture is a little blurry.

Pre-workout gear!

The second picture is from later that day after I changed to go to the gym.  I don't like bringing a lot of things into the locker room, so I usually opt to change clothes at work and just leave my work clothes in my car.  I'm wearing a plain tshirt from Old Navy (I prefer to work out in tech fabrics that wick sweat away & retain less heat, but I have several tshirts that I've stained and are now official workout-or-pajama shirts).  The pants are a pair of off-brand workout pants that I picked up at a thrift store a while back that have a drawstring and pockets.  You can't see it in the picture, but I also have a headband plus a ponytail to keep my hair out of my face (I let my stylist convince me to have long bangs...I like them, but they frustrate me in the gym).  I usually wear one of these wide headbands from Cover Your Hair, but I'm thinking about trying the headbands that Leslie from xoJane mentions in her article FATshion: Work That Fat Ass Out Edition (it's the HALO headband).

This fashion chatter was brought to you by me while taking a break from schoolwork :-)

Self-soothing and disability

Self-portrait on my phone- newly dyed hair!

Folks, it's been a really rough couple weeks pain-wise.  I've had a couple bad workouts at the pool, I've had trouble walking due to numbness in my legs, and I've been just trying to cope with life as it is right now.  I've given myself a chance to just be...no attempts at going to the pool and swimming for 500 yards if I'm having too many issues.  I'm allowing myself to find movement wherever I find joy, and this sometimes means I play Rock Band on my Xbox for a while (I prefer the drums, but when I can't feel my feet very well, the pedal is hard), sometimes this means I play with the cats with a feather toy or laser pointer.  Sometimes this means I give myself a chance to just rest and meditate.

It's hard, this not-doing physical activity thing.  Even when I'm doing things I'm not particularly good at (for example, this used to be running, back when I could run), I'm still happy in the movement.  I like to be dancing, wandering, wiggling, expressing....just moving.  My body isn't cooperating and it's hard to cope.

So I've been coping through traditionally feminine venues, which for me is pretty unusual.  For example, I've been dyeing my hair since I was fifteen, but didn't start having a salon do it until this year.  My initial motivation for getting it professionally done was that I couldn't stand long enough or bend over the sink for the time needed to dye my hair at home.  I would also miss sections of my hair either due to pain-related attention issues or medication-related cognitive issues.  Since I love having red hair (versus my natural color that I call "rodent" and other people call "mousy brown"), I've decided to wiggle the room in my budget to get it done.

It's become a time for me to have someone pay attention to my body for reasons other than health problems or pain.  It's become a time where I have someone there to help accentuate the beauty in my round cheeks, my full lips, and my penchant for funky glasses.  No one at the salon pressures me to buy makeup (something that I'm pretty bad at doing, partially because of being blind in one eye).  No one pressures me to get my hair cut in a way that would take a lot of maintenance (something that I warned my stylist about...I'm not good at doing my hair, and with my pain, work, & school schedule, it's just not feasible...plus I just don't like doing it).  They make me feel good as I am.

Maybe that money would be better placed in something else (maybe a housekeeper or a PCA?), but being able to do this helps keep me in the mental space where I can keep working and can keep pursuing my PhD.  Sometimes it's the little things that keep us going.

Shoe shopping on wheels

A blurry pic of my Renaissance boots

I really didn't think it would be an unusual trip shopping.  Hit up Michaels for some photo boxes (as I found out they work really well for storing comic books), hit up Ross just to wander around and see if they had any summer weight shirts that are office appropriate (meaning that they cover up my tattoos), zip through Target for assorted things, and hit up the shoe store for some new slip-ons as my other plain colored ones died.

Zoom through Michaels, find nothing of interest in Ross, then to the shoe store.  The cashier opened the door for me and I rolled on in.  I wandered up and down the aisles, just looking at the pretty shoes but with a specific style in mind.  I wanted some pretty casual shoes in a solid color that were slip-on...something that I can get on easily when I'm having a bad spine day (meaning that I don't need to bend over to put on or tie), but something that will stay on my foot unassisted (so no mules or slides) and don't slide around making walking or transferring dangerous.  I ogled and fondled some pretty outrageous heels, but settled myself in the casual-but-not-athletic shoe aisle.

I'm slowly rolling down the aisle, grabbing shoes, poking at them for padding, sole texture, and fabric, trying some of them on, and a teenager gives me this look of "WTF" as if someone who uses a chair wouldn't go shoe shopping.  I give her an equally incredulous look and go back to fondling a pair of shoes that end up fitting horribly on me (and have "toe cleavage," which is something I really do not like as a look).  I get another couple odd looks from customers, which just baffles me.

I have feet, and I want to wear shoes on my feet, so I'm shoe shopping.  What's so weird about this?  Is it because I'm not dressed "femininely" in my grey jeans and black zip-up sweatshirt?  If I was more easily pegged as femme, would it make my shoe shopping more "normal" and less queer?  Or maybe I would still get those looks because displaying as femme is considered equally queer when visibly disabled?

I left with some comfy shoes in a dark grey that fit my requirements...I was hoping for black, but I'm happy.  Maybe I'll stop getting weird looks at work for my ratty pink floral slip-ons or my running shoes :-)

I'm giving up on pants! A fashion rant

Random acts of silliness in work clothes

I'll start out by saying I'm not the most fashionable person in the world.  I've always been more of a function and fit over fashion person, but I've found myself being more and more drawn to clothing as a means of expression as my spine issues have increased.  While fashion has always intrigued me, from watching America's Next Top Model and Project Runway to wanting to be a fashion designer when I was a kid, fashion has been something that I've always admired but never actually pursued.  In regards to my current surge of fashion-related thinking, I feel like it's more of a control thing than any real attempt to be fashion-forward, but it's really gotten me thinking about several intersections of my body, clothing, and the fashion industry.

So the other day I'm limping with my awesome flame cane over to the student union on my lunch break, slightly cursing the cute but comfy skirt I decided to wear because the swish of it was whipping against my cane.  It makes me think of an article I read on xoJane.com about shoes, skirts, and wheelchair use, and how I've joked that I will get some wild heels to wear when I'm wheeling (I don't actually expect this to happen, but it's fun to talk about).  It also got me thinking about the different reactions I get wearing different things while using different adaptive equipment.  There's some major fatphobia with fasion to begin with, so if I'm having a casual day or if I'm on my way to the gym, people read my body as a lazy fat person.  With a cane, I'm the lazy fat person that's disabled because of my fat.  If I'm on wheels, I'm the lazy fat person that's so lazy that I won't even walk or that I'm potentially too fat to walk.  As Sarah Eyre, another writer at xoJane, points out, adaptive equipment can really let you know who is worth your time and who isn't...and that goes double for bodies that are fat AND disabled.

So I keep thinking about skirts.  As a sporty person, skirts haven't been a huge part of my personal wardrobe, but I'm finding that they fit my body shape with less frustration than pants (Lane Bryant, I'm giving you the hairy eyeball right now...because your Right Fit pants used to fit me perfectly, then got redesigned to something just awful.  Folks with more than a ten inch difference between waist & hips need love & pants too!).  I've found comfy jersey skirts because of a modest dressing community on LiveJournal (if GetYourSkirtOn ever is back in business, I want more of their skirts!), thick twirly skirts from Champion, and thin foldover skirts from Old Navy.  I keep thinking about the excerpt from Two Whole Cakes that I read in Bitch Magazine about skirts and fatness.

Fashion can be a radical statement of subjectivity.

Dressing my body in a way that feels comfortable is a radical act.  "Feels comfortable" can mean "makes me feel disco ball fabulous."  It can mean "covers me where I want to be covered (or conversely, is bare where I want to be bare).  It can mean "doesn't get stuck in my wheel spokes" (whether that's a wheelchair or a bicycle).  It can mean "functions in whatever way I need/want it to function" and that can be a physical sensation, a mental acknowledgement, or a social engagement.  It can be really hard when our bodies don't conform to what the fashion industry sees as important, whether that's a huge waist-to-hip ratio on a short fat woman or that butt pockets for a lot of wheelchair users are generally unhelpful.

Easter 2004, I'm the Easter Bunny for grown-ups

Fashion can be whatever we want it to be, or whatever we don't want it to be.  Sometimes our bodies don't fit into size charts (most of us differ from the fit models!).  If I was more crafty, or had more time to actually teach myself to sew properly, I would probably make my own clothes like Lesley Kinzel talks about with her skirts in grad school.

So I'm giving up on pants.  Between my waist-to-hip ratio and my part-time wheelchair use, I can't seem to find pants that remotely work for me, either in fit or comfort-level, unless there's a drawstring waist involved....and I've never seen work-appropriate drawstring pants before.  I'm going to gather up some summer weight capri leggings and some breezy skirts that hopefully don't whip against my cane or get caught in wheel spokes, and try to find a way to incorporate them in my sporty and somewhat androgynous fashion sense.  Another day, another adventure...