Fitness, fashion, fatness, frustration

Bad photo with tight top

So I use a neat survey site called CrowdTap that asks various questions about various companies and products, one of them being Old Navy (I generally love Old Navy as my fashion preferences are usually pretty plain but functional and semi-sporty).  I got the opportunity to sample their Active line using a coupon that gave me a pair of compression pants and a top.  I was pretty excited, but a little nervous since the coupon was for in-store use only and their plus sizes are offered only online.  I generally fit in their XL or XXL straight sizes, but their sizing is consistently inconsistent.

The photo to the right shows me, a pale short & fat woman, wearing fitted black capris with teal trim on the calf, black socks, fitted teal top, with my right hand on my hip, left hand holding on to a table for balance.

So I went to one of the local shops with my partner to see what we could find.  I was really excited by some of the colors, but really dismayed that it was hard to find anything I wanted in anything bigger than a medium.  I lucked out and found some compression pants (which seem to help with some of the leg spasms that I get when I try to work out using my legs) that were in my size with teal mesh insets (ON calls the color "Pirate Cove").  The coordinating tops though stopped at a women's XL.  Since I own some of ON's tops in XL, I poked through the rack to see if I could find the biggest XL I could find (I think my other half was confused by this until I showed him the several inches difference between the biggest XL and another XL of the same color).  I decided to risk the smaller size as the only options in store for the XXL were an eye-piercing pink and a see-through white.  I'm not comfortable with how the XL hugs my tummy rolls and the sleeves are too tight for a good TRX workout (or anything with a lot of arm movement).

The photo was taken for the CrowdTap challenge that gave me the free clothes.  The top would be awesome in the right size for working out at the gym as the fabric is a nice technical (quick-drying) fabric.  The pants would be awesome if they were a bit shorter (but I'm 4'11" so I think everything should be shorter!) and if they had a drawstring in the waist to keep them up.

I just wish I could find the XXL top locally in the teal "Pirate Cove" color!  I also wish that the plus size clothes, especially the activewear, were available in stores because of the odd sizing issues that I always have with them.

Surgically modified scholar!

X-rays of my lumbar hardware

I had surgery on Wednesday, January 16th and spent until Saturday afternoon (the 19th) in the orthopedic wing of a local hospital.  It's been a roller coaster but I have absolutely no regrets right now.  Once my pain was under enough control that I could think, I could tell that a huge component of my spine instability was gone.  No more shooting pain down my legs and no leg spasms.  I was in a lot of pain, but it was different....and sometimes all it takes for a ray of hope to bust through is CHANGE!

I've been trying to put together a blog post about the whole experience, but my writing has been so disjointed that I'm leaving all of those notes for the possibility of writing something more scholarly about the whole ordeal (I'm a graduate student...I'll do a lot for lines on my CV!).  It's been hard and surreal.  I'm sleeping a lot, but never in long chunks.  I'm still clock-watching for pain medication (on an every four hour schedule), but I don't need the walker in my house as much.  I've only left my house twice, but have found that the line between "doing ok" and "dear Dog*, I've overdone it."

It's also been hard to try to get my scholarly work done.  The semester started last week, but most of my actual work has been pretty superficial.  It's hard to read and engage with an essay with a medication haze, so I read in one page chunks.  My writing process comes in fits and spurts, and many times needs to be revised and rewritten several times (this blog post has been in the works for a week, for example).  It's not so much a matter of physically writing as I have a laptop that can be used in bed and Dragon Naturally Speaking with a wireless headset to get thoughts out.  I'm just having trouble doing the cognitive work.

Saturday morning breakfast scholar!

It's getting better slowly though.  I'm hoping to be physically back at my classes this week, even if it means I'm only there for a half hour or hour.  I have my first official post-operative visit with the surgeon on Friday, so I'll get to find out first-hand how everything went.  I'll also be asking a lot of "it is this a normal part of the recovery process?" questions (including some questions involving how permanent some of the nerve damage might be).

Thank you to everyone's well-wishes on this journey.  As I dig through my schoolwork and my various notes about the surgery, there will be more blog posts for you all to read (and maybe more silly photos of me snuggled in my leopard print bathrobe)!


*=Dog is one of my terms for diety, the divine presence.

OOTD: casual Friday (on Thursday)

I'm wearing lipgloss!

I'm posting on my laptop, so I don't have my horde of Paralympics links to share with you today.  So I'm going to just post two pictures that I took yesterday.  One showing off my hair & makeup, the other a full body shot of my outfit (I'm wearing jeans...I'm not completely converted to skirts, but I can't resist wearing jeans to work when I have the opportunity).

The first photo is a self-portrait headshot of my haircut & color that I got at my local Aveda salon.  This is part of my self-care regime that I've been doing for a while (it started with my inability to dye my own hair and became something that contributed to my mental well-being).  Last time I got my hair done, my stylist put some lip gloss on me that resulted in a lot of comments from coworkers and friends.   So I decided to pick it up at the appointment.  I don't think I got a good photograph of it, but I like it.  I'm feeling somewhat motivated to learn some techniques for other makeup.

Work bathroom self-photo!

As for the outfit, it's pretty darn casual.  The jeans are an older style of Right Fit jeans from Lane Bryant (oh how I wish they hadn't redesigned them!), the jersey cardigan from Old Navy, the t-shirt also from Old Navy (their t-shirts have become part of my usual uniform as they are comfy, fit comfortably, and work for both work & casual), shoes are from Shoe Carnival, and the cane is from Folding Sticks (the only place I've found with a folding cane shorter than 32").  The watch is my red Polar heart rate monitor that I used to use for spin classes & triathlon training.

I'll probably have more actual content in the next couple days, but my Labor Day weekend is currently taken up with a little bit of birthday celebration, research, and schoolwork.  Have a great weekend!

Back from vacation...and what's in store for this blog!

I just got back yesterday from a lovely vacation to Minnesota (partly to visit family and partly to go to a convention called CONvergence) and I'm slowly putting together a few posts for your viewing pleasure.  Since I was flying across the country (from North Carolina to Minnesota) using a wheelchair for the first time, I have some interesting observations for you all...some pretty awesome, some not-so-much.  Another post about intersections of geekdom and cripdom, and how there seems to be (to my experience) a higher-than-average number of visibly disabled folks in various areas of geek culture (gaming, comic books, anime, science fiction/fantasy, et al).  I might also talk a bit about cosplay and body difference (like size and disability) as either its own post or a part of the post on geeky cripdom/crippy geekdom.

One final exciting thing coming up.  Pattie Thomas of User Friendly Vegas is going to be guest blogging about her fantastic project.  She also has a GoFundMe page set up for folks who want to contribute to the project.

Expect some posts in the next couple days!

A really fantastic Kickstarter: Flying Pig Apparel

Due to a pretty severe pain spike, I'm having trouble writing...but I wanted to let folks know about a Kickstarter that I'm backing called Flying Pig Apparel.  These folks have recognized the lack of affordable options in plus size exercise clothing and are trying to fill that gap.  Shaunta Grimes of Live Once, Juicy interviewed them recently, and I think it's really neat reading how they decided to start this company!

If you want to support this Kickstarter, click here to support them.  Every dollar counts, and some of the higher donations come with pieces of apparel.  They have nine days left to fund their project, so if you can support this great starting company please do!

Shoe shopping on wheels

A blurry pic of my Renaissance boots

I really didn't think it would be an unusual trip shopping.  Hit up Michaels for some photo boxes (as I found out they work really well for storing comic books), hit up Ross just to wander around and see if they had any summer weight shirts that are office appropriate (meaning that they cover up my tattoos), zip through Target for assorted things, and hit up the shoe store for some new slip-ons as my other plain colored ones died.

Zoom through Michaels, find nothing of interest in Ross, then to the shoe store.  The cashier opened the door for me and I rolled on in.  I wandered up and down the aisles, just looking at the pretty shoes but with a specific style in mind.  I wanted some pretty casual shoes in a solid color that were slip-on...something that I can get on easily when I'm having a bad spine day (meaning that I don't need to bend over to put on or tie), but something that will stay on my foot unassisted (so no mules or slides) and don't slide around making walking or transferring dangerous.  I ogled and fondled some pretty outrageous heels, but settled myself in the casual-but-not-athletic shoe aisle.

I'm slowly rolling down the aisle, grabbing shoes, poking at them for padding, sole texture, and fabric, trying some of them on, and a teenager gives me this look of "WTF" as if someone who uses a chair wouldn't go shoe shopping.  I give her an equally incredulous look and go back to fondling a pair of shoes that end up fitting horribly on me (and have "toe cleavage," which is something I really do not like as a look).  I get another couple odd looks from customers, which just baffles me.

I have feet, and I want to wear shoes on my feet, so I'm shoe shopping.  What's so weird about this?  Is it because I'm not dressed "femininely" in my grey jeans and black zip-up sweatshirt?  If I was more easily pegged as femme, would it make my shoe shopping more "normal" and less queer?  Or maybe I would still get those looks because displaying as femme is considered equally queer when visibly disabled?

I left with some comfy shoes in a dark grey that fit my requirements...I was hoping for black, but I'm happy.  Maybe I'll stop getting weird looks at work for my ratty pink floral slip-ons or my running shoes :-)

I'm giving up on pants! A fashion rant

Random acts of silliness in work clothes

I'll start out by saying I'm not the most fashionable person in the world.  I've always been more of a function and fit over fashion person, but I've found myself being more and more drawn to clothing as a means of expression as my spine issues have increased.  While fashion has always intrigued me, from watching America's Next Top Model and Project Runway to wanting to be a fashion designer when I was a kid, fashion has been something that I've always admired but never actually pursued.  In regards to my current surge of fashion-related thinking, I feel like it's more of a control thing than any real attempt to be fashion-forward, but it's really gotten me thinking about several intersections of my body, clothing, and the fashion industry.

So the other day I'm limping with my awesome flame cane over to the student union on my lunch break, slightly cursing the cute but comfy skirt I decided to wear because the swish of it was whipping against my cane.  It makes me think of an article I read on xoJane.com about shoes, skirts, and wheelchair use, and how I've joked that I will get some wild heels to wear when I'm wheeling (I don't actually expect this to happen, but it's fun to talk about).  It also got me thinking about the different reactions I get wearing different things while using different adaptive equipment.  There's some major fatphobia with fasion to begin with, so if I'm having a casual day or if I'm on my way to the gym, people read my body as a lazy fat person.  With a cane, I'm the lazy fat person that's disabled because of my fat.  If I'm on wheels, I'm the lazy fat person that's so lazy that I won't even walk or that I'm potentially too fat to walk.  As Sarah Eyre, another writer at xoJane, points out, adaptive equipment can really let you know who is worth your time and who isn't...and that goes double for bodies that are fat AND disabled.

So I keep thinking about skirts.  As a sporty person, skirts haven't been a huge part of my personal wardrobe, but I'm finding that they fit my body shape with less frustration than pants (Lane Bryant, I'm giving you the hairy eyeball right now...because your Right Fit pants used to fit me perfectly, then got redesigned to something just awful.  Folks with more than a ten inch difference between waist & hips need love & pants too!).  I've found comfy jersey skirts because of a modest dressing community on LiveJournal (if GetYourSkirtOn ever is back in business, I want more of their skirts!), thick twirly skirts from Champion, and thin foldover skirts from Old Navy.  I keep thinking about the excerpt from Two Whole Cakes that I read in Bitch Magazine about skirts and fatness.

Fashion can be a radical statement of subjectivity.

Dressing my body in a way that feels comfortable is a radical act.  "Feels comfortable" can mean "makes me feel disco ball fabulous."  It can mean "covers me where I want to be covered (or conversely, is bare where I want to be bare).  It can mean "doesn't get stuck in my wheel spokes" (whether that's a wheelchair or a bicycle).  It can mean "functions in whatever way I need/want it to function" and that can be a physical sensation, a mental acknowledgement, or a social engagement.  It can be really hard when our bodies don't conform to what the fashion industry sees as important, whether that's a huge waist-to-hip ratio on a short fat woman or that butt pockets for a lot of wheelchair users are generally unhelpful.

Easter 2004, I'm the Easter Bunny for grown-ups

Fashion can be whatever we want it to be, or whatever we don't want it to be.  Sometimes our bodies don't fit into size charts (most of us differ from the fit models!).  If I was more crafty, or had more time to actually teach myself to sew properly, I would probably make my own clothes like Lesley Kinzel talks about with her skirts in grad school.

So I'm giving up on pants.  Between my waist-to-hip ratio and my part-time wheelchair use, I can't seem to find pants that remotely work for me, either in fit or comfort-level, unless there's a drawstring waist involved....and I've never seen work-appropriate drawstring pants before.  I'm going to gather up some summer weight capri leggings and some breezy skirts that hopefully don't whip against my cane or get caught in wheel spokes, and try to find a way to incorporate them in my sporty and somewhat androgynous fashion sense.  Another day, another adventure...